Unsplash / Toa HeftibaWhen you love someone, you don’t walk away after one little fight because you can’t deal with the drama. You don’t throw your hands into the air because you had a small disagreement and decide that it must be time to break up. You don’t throw everything that you’ve created away after…
Matheus FerreroI’m slowly learning that I don’t have to hurt those who hurt me. I’m slowly learning that maybe the ultimate sign of maturity is walking away instead of getting even. I’m slowly learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from…
It’s been awhile hasn’t it? I’ve neglected you for almost two years. Shit, so much has happened in my life since December 2015. Where do I even begin? Read my previous blogs and I am disappointed in the old Pauline. But what can I say, I was young and seriously naive. If you could see me now. Shit I’m a whole new person. Where do I even begin? Pls excuse my random ass rants, I’ll most likely be going on tangents.
Reading my old post just makes me LOL and brings me back to the days where I was in a dark place because of Him. I can’t seem to forget who that person was and who I was in a relationship with. I’m scrolling through these blogs and just feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe I spent almost 4yrs with a person like that. Young and naive Pauline lol. Isn’t it fucking crazy to look back at yourself almost two yrs ago just to see how much you’ve grown…
Ended my relationship with a crazy person who did not change after ALLL these fucking yrs. Lol thank goodness God helped me move on from a human being like that. Finished school and took almost a year off before I started nursing school in August. Should expect to finish 2020! Moved back home but it’s as if I’m hardly even here lol. Made amazing friends from work. Got my heart broken before my birthday lol. Tried online dating for a little while. Nonetheless, there were some bad dates but so glad it didn’t workout with ANY of the guys because I met my amazing boyfriend. There I said it WordPress, your little Pauline is in a new relationship and is in love. I’ll save the juicy stuff for later.
It’s crazy to read my old blogs about how I didn’t think I could move on from C. But shiiiiiit, I’m so thankful I did. During those darkest days, I thought it wouldn’t happen, that I’d be in love with that horrible human forever. God literally did this, helped me grow as a person, realizing how toxic He was for me. It’s sad but have to admit how naive/blind and young I was. But shit, that is life. I HAD to go through these motions in my life to get to where I am today. I learned the hard way, for damn suuuuuure. Before I dated A more seriously, I spent months by myself. I loved it. When I was with dotdot, I was so afraid of being alone, starting over with someone was not something I wanted. I was so co-dependent, I’m appalled with myself for being that type of female. Goodness! I was so afraid of being alone. And when I finally became alone, I realized so much about myself, that I loved being alone. My ex was shit lol. I started online dating, dated these guys that were much better that my ex. I used to put him on this fucking pedestal, wtf was I thinking? He ain’t shit lol. Dated a few guys that were okay, but I knew in my heart I wasn’t in it 100%. I really did fuck around and lived the single life. And let me tell you, I had the time of my life lol. I highly recommend being single after a shitty breakup. Discovered what I wanted in a partner more than I ever have before. Maybe it’s because I’m only getting older. Although it didn’t workout with those guys I had dated, I definitely figured out what characteristics/qualities I wanted in a partner. And in the light of it all, I grew as person.
Who woulda fucking knew I’d be in love again!!! It’s crazy to even think about who I was back in 2015 after going back on this blog. I’m in love with my current boyfriend and let’s just call him A. Met A online, I know, it’s sorta not my thing but all my coworkers convinced me as a little distraction to get over a certain person. Didn’t think I’d fall for a someone I met online lol. BUT it fucking happened. It’s the “norm” these days. A and I went on our first date in January. So if you want to be technical, we’ve been dating since the beginning of 2017. Officially since 04/05/2017. Although, our relationship is relatively new, it’s still growing on me. I still pray about our relationship. I ask God if A is the one for me. I remember a prayer I had said earlier this year, asking God to bring a man in my life of his choosing. Didn’t want to invest my feelings into someone that wasn’t right for me. I’m not sure if A is the one, but if God wants him for me then it will happen.
This is new to me. Starting all over with A was exciting/tricky/scary. I DON’T want to get hurt or go through the same shit again yaknow?! I can honestly admit that I am a different girlfriend this time around. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve grown as an individual or I just learned from my previous mistakes. Being in a relationship with A has been different in so many ways. Very good ways. The love we share is more secure I feel. We are still less than a yr in, but I could see this working out WordPress. He was me when I was with you know who. The way he handles things, communicates with me, shows me love. It’s fucking crazy to see how myself in A. Everything A does/says, I would’ve done the same. My guard is def still up though, I’m scared of getting hurt. Vulnerability scares me, breaking down your walls for someone new is terrifying. I know it’s not good to compare ex’s but we always will. It’s human nature. So far, A has been great to me. I was shocked the day he told me he loves me. I knew taking things slow with him was beneficial. Taking my time with A was probably one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made as a 23 yr old lol. I haven’t felt the need to fight for this type of love and I’m so fucking thankful for him. He’s brought me so much happiness thus far but I’m scared to let my guard down. I don’t know how I feel about giving my love completely. Love can be terrifying. You’ll definitely be reading more about A and I. It’s our effortless love that draws me more to A.
See how much I’ve grown? Didn’t think I’d be where I am at this point in my twenties. Didn’t think I’d go into nursing. Didn’t think I’d fall in love with A or anyone! Didn’t think I’d have blonde hair. OH YEAH I’M A BLONDIE NOW! Didn’t think I would ever have this mentality. All I can say is that I’m not who I was in 2012-2015 and I’m thankful for that.
Until next time WordPress, I’ll be saving it for later.
I feel like I’m back to where I started. Hurting.
It’s been almost a month since I’ve last written and expressed my feelings on here. I guess so much has happened. I don’t even know where to begin. All I can say is that I am truuuuuly thankful to be feeling so much stronger and better than I did a month ago. I was a total wreck. I felt so depressed, I had never felt that low, before. And all thanks to God, I got through it. I had felt those feelings so deeply that I didn’t even know anyone could ever feel that way. I have grown since then and have prayed more and put my faith in God, knowing that I could get through this low point. I do know that time heals all wounds. And I am a firm believer that it truly does. It’s been a month since I’ve written on here and man, I do feel different than I did then. I’m better for and I know that for a fucking fact. I haven’t cried over you since then. Thank you, Jesus!
But I’ve been thinking about you lately. I don’t know if I’m being emotional because it’s almost the time of the month, but I do miss you, I miss us. I shouldn’t, but I do… I know that I’m stronger than I was a month ago. I know that you don’t effect me as much as you used too. “Out of site, out of mind” is what I’ve lived with this past month. Not knowing about you has helped me in the process of moving on. I can’t say that I’m completely over you because it was almost three years of being together that I can’t forget like you can. I don’t know how you do it, I don’t know how you let me go and forgot about me. It hurts me. It fucking hurts still, but not as much. I am able to say that I don’t need you anymore. You’re right, I was dependent on you. I used to feel like I needed you so bad or else life wasn’t right. But life is okay without you. You aren’t a necessity to my life anymore and it’s because I’m slowly realizing how much of a fucking asshole you are. Before, thinking about you used to break my heart all over again and sadness would over take me. But now, thinking about you makes me mad. Makes me think that you never fucking loved me. It makes me think about all the bad things you have ever done to me. I don’t want to think that. I want to remember the good, but when I do, it hurts. So instead, all of the bad just comes naturally. I hope that is happening to me because I’m slowly moving on. I don’t know when I’ll get over you, fully, but I know that I will. I was able to move on from Thai, to you. And I can do it again, I just need time. I just realized how you didn’t fucking appreciate me. I loved you, man. I was so crazy about you. You were the love of my life and you still are.
But if you could fucking see me now. I have grown as an individual without you. It is not longer Pauline and Cedric, I am just Me. I know this is normal to be single and honestly, I could jump into a relationship if I wanted but I want to know more about myself as an individual. I want to see what I like and what I don’t like. I don’t know if I could love the way I did with you. I shared every waking moment with you. I don’t know how that will feel like to share with someone else. It’ll be fucking weird and painful because I can’t imagine replacing you with anyone else (at this point). It sucks not being with you, but I think I’m starting to accept it because I have too. You’re right, I wouldn’t have left. I still probably wouldn’t have because I saw this relationship to be more than it was. You were right, we were practically on our way to getting married, I just didn’t want to admit it. It’s almost three month since we’ve broken up and I still feel something for you. I think that’s normal? You’re not what I need, anymore. If anything, I just need to be with someone who complements me. And you don’t, anymore. I miss you, though. Despite my anger towards you, I hope you’re doing well. And I hope you think of me and how much I lovED you, Ced.
It’s been over a month, almost two months and I still haven’t gotten over this relationship… Am I lame?? I asked three people if they think I’m a loser because it’s been over a month and I’m not over it yet. It’s been almost 7 weeks since we’ve been broken up and I ask myself if I’m a loser because I haven’t moved on. Is this a race WordPress? I feel like I should be over it because he’s over it. Or at least I think he’s over it?
We were together for so long, I would be surprised if I was over it already. I don’t know why I’m over here thinking I should hurry up with my feelings and get over it, it doesn’t work that way. And I don’t know how you can just get over an almost 3 year relationship like that. It’s such a shame on how you belittle me. This just goes to show how I really meant to you.
Over the span of four days, I’ve managed to speak and pray to God. I discovered for myself that I haven’t been seeking a relationship and have been distant towards him because of you. Because I’m angry. I was angry at Him for putting me through this. I was angry at Him for making me go through this pain and agony. I didn’t know why He would do this to me, but all I know was that I was furious. I cried and felt my lowest one day last week. I felt so low to the point where I felt like I have hit rock bottom. LOW… I can’t even fathom on the way I had felt that week. I was considering on harming myself. What idiotic person was I for thinking that? And that’s when I knew that I let YOU define me.
It all started when I had found out about Her… I shouldn’t have tried to figure it out. I shouldn’t have known. I now know to much for my own good. It’s that saying, “Out of site, out of mind.” Something I should’ve stuck by. Not only have I had insecurities throughout the relationship but my insecurities had sky-rocketed through the roof, ever since then. I had asked myself countless of times, “why her? What makes her better than I? What does she have that I don’t?” I looked at her picture over and over again and I couldn’t help but break down. I think I had broken down because there is an actual female involved. I never knew the feeling of you being involved with another woman. Shit tore me into pieces and still has. Everytime I think about it, think about her, think about the two of you, I fall into a fucking hole and it sucks. What does she have that is better than me? Why her? What happened to me? Am I not good enough? These dumbass questions are what is lingering on in my brain. I’m just so sad. I don’t even know how to express it.
For the past few days I’ve managed to pray. To pray for myself mainly. I think my self-being is more important than you and I’m starting to realize that. My life doesn’t need you. You in my life, only complements me but it doesn’t define me. I’ve asked for stength and wisdom to get through this break up. It’s not easy. As it’s been a couple of months, I’ve sort of had an almost clear view to why things happened the way it did. I don’t know if I’m upset at you or if I’m still hurt. I wish I didn’t care. Lord knows how much I wish that these feelings for you were gone, completely. I don’t know why they’re still here. I don’t know why I still care for a piece of shit person that can care less about me. I guess you can say it’s because you were/are a big part of my life. It’s three years I can never take back. Three years that I spent amazing and horrible memories with. It’s something I can’t erase. You are a part of me. And I think at this point, you’ll always be.
I really thought you were The One, you know. Deep down, I thought about it. I look back at it now and I don’t know why I said I wouldn’t have married you. Because if you asked, I would’ve said yes. I told myself and everyone else, no, I couldn’t see myself marrying you. Maybe if I told the truth none of this would’ve happened. The what if’s are coming to play.
This heartbreak is something I know I have to go through. It just irks me to how you’re okay. You’re fine and have moved on. How do you do it? How can you throw away three years with someone you have loved once before? I just don’t get it. But thanks though, thanks for the memories. Thanks for being my best friend. Thanks for almost being everything I wanted. And most of all, thanks for loving me. I couldn’t second guess on if you ever loved me because I saw it in your eyes. I knew you loved me.
It’s probably been since I came back from Vegas must have been the last time I cried about you. Today, I just lost it. I saw your comment on your roommates photo and it just tore me to pieces. It hurt me seeing how you sent that emoji on her photo. My intuition tells me that you’re fucking her, already. I can feel it. And you know it, it sure as hell hurts me. It’s crazy how you can be madly in love with someone and then all of a sudden, something changes and it’s like that person doesn’t exist to you anymore. I feel like I’ve done so much in the past month than I’ve ever done with you in 3yrs. And I think that should be a sign. The problem is that I’ve grown up with you and it’s really hard to let that go. Miriam says it’s because you e entered my life at the age where many things mean to me the most. As for you, you meant and still mean so much to me. I don’t know why. I should just keep reminding myself all the things you’ve done to me. But as optimistic as I am, I’m able to look past it and just see you for who you really are. But fuck that, you don’t deserve my love. You don’t deserve any bit of happiness right now. You took mine away. You hurt me. Broke me and and left me for other bitches. How can I forgive you? How am I able to move on from something so damaging? For three fucking years you have put me as a toy and there is only so much a person can take. I would never do anything you did to me. Because why? I fucking appreciated you from the beginning. I knew what I was getting myself into, I wanted you to be the one. I wanted you to be the one for me. I thought you were. I felt it in my gut. But I was wrong. I should’ve left a longtime ago, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so deeply attached. Maybe I would’ve saved myself when I could. I’m so broken because of you. I hate you. It’s sad how you say you love me but then you hurt me and just forget about me like a little leaf. I ask myself constantly, what did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Was it my fault? I overanalyzed the whole relationship, from beginning to end. I know I had my fault but I know for a damn fact that I tried my best, I fucking tried so bad because I wanted things to work. I wanted you to be the one for me. I appreciated you so much, I loved you so much and god knows how much I felt for you. And now, I feel like I’m nothing to you. Everyone else is before me. But I do hope you’re happy.
- Do not beg for him back, it’s over, move on. Besides…do you really want to try and stick it out with someone who just tried to dump you? No? Yeah I didn’t think so. Leave the house, go for a drive or a walk.
- Buy some eye drops. Your big, red, wet eyes will give the appearance of someone who has recently been indulging in pot. When someone asks you this, you will say no which will then invite them to ask “oh..have you been crying?” to which you will reply by taking a large gulp of air, stare at the ceiling and cry in front of a perfect stranger. Solution! Eye solution! Even if those eye drops cost you $14 at the petrol station on the way to work, you should buy them and soak your eye sockets with the stuff before entering work.
- Drink coffee. I’m assuming that…
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Today I went to see a therapist. I actually considered going to therapy today, even though Miriam is not there. Awww, how much I miss that woman. As I was speaking to my new therapist today, she was very inquisitive, probably because it was her first time meeting me. She had asked me to write down all the pro’s and con’s of the relationship. To be honest, I was dreading on doing something like that. I don’t want to relive all the bad things that Cedric has done to me. But maybe I should. I just wouldn’t know where to start. Maybe I should think about all the times he has ever broken up with me with. Throughout the past three years, Cedric has broken up with me 6 times. 6 fucking times. How could I have not been surprised about this last one. What a douchebag.
-lies to me about other girls
-does things behind my back
-plays these stupid ass games
-can’t keep a stable relationship
-hangouts with his girl roommate whom he hooked up with
-always wants to break up every so often to be “alone”
-over thinks something and gets mad
-always tells me he wants to see what else is out there
-when he’s annoyed/mad he wants to hang up and not deal with it
-blocks me when he’s really mad
-doesn’t appreciate me and all that I’ve done
-called the cops on me
-only wants to deal with the issues when it’s convenient for him
-let’s other people get away with certain things but not me
-always the one to go back to him
-always makes the decision for our relationship, what he thinks is best.
-has wandering eyes
-doesn’t handle things like a man at times
-my best friend when I needed him to be
-communication has gotten better over time
-sex is great
-compromises and it feels great
-listens to me
-takes me out at times
-parent’s like him
I don’t know if the pro’s are because I’m just being biased and sad but I really do feel like there isn’t much good things about him because I have truly seen his true colors…
Everything I see now, I feel like our whole relationship meant nothing to him. He said, “It’s not that I don’t love you, I just don’t love you enough.” Was what had set me off. I just don’t know who he is anymore. I am broken…